Way back into love
by CastielsHoney
Summary: (AU slow build Destiel fic) Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester live in separate cities and live separate lives, though this was not always the case. This is a story on how the grow up and come together again.
1. A Path their own

November 2011

'So…tell me about him?'

The glass half way to his mouth Dean Winchester freezes.

'Who?' The glass continues towards his mouth as he downs the shot of whiskey, hissing slightly at the burn. By now he should be used to it, the slight scratchy feeling the drinks bring him. He scratches at his unshaven cheek.

'Who says it's a guy?' Dean was long past trying to cover up his sexuality or be embarrassed but he was not passed being on guard or defensive.

The man laughed. 'Well for one: you're in a gay bar and for two…you're in a gay bar, brotha'

A snort. Dean Winchester literally just snorted.

'Shit…I need to stop drinking, forgot where I was for a minute.' Tapping the bar, signaling he wants another drink. The bartender shakes his head and refills his shot glass. Dean finally takes a look at the man before him. He's large, definitely a bear type, gruff with a short brown beard to match his hair. This better not be flirting because he is not in the mood and this guy is so not his type.

Taking his newly filled shot glass, he raised it and toasts the bartender before him then downs the whiskey with yet another hiss. Ugh his liver as not as young as it used to be. Maybe it was time to call it a night…feeling eyes on him though Dean looked to the bartender who was eyeing him with an emotion that in dean's inebriated state he could not place.

'My shift ends in an hour.'

Fuck. This is so not what he wanted, the guy seemed cool, a little pushy but decent. He was certainly not the kind of guy Dean would sleep with. Although it had been a while since he'd gotten laid, too long.

'Look dude, I'm flattered. Really I am, it's just that you're kinda…'

'I know this awesome little diner down the road a bit, great pie.' The bartender smiled, baring his teeth like the freaking Cheshire cat. Damn that guy had a big mouth.

Wait…did he say pie?

'Pie?'

* * *

November 2011

Studying was the worst. Sure Castiel Novak loved to read, but not 45 pages of a book describing the most mundane subject in the world. Being a Professor was a dream of Castiel's since he was an awkward teenager. It's been five years since he was that lanky creature though, he'd filled out, muscled up and become more social.

That's what people have to do when their world falls apart.

At 23 Castiel was in a Master's program at University of Chicago, where he hoped to some day get a position as an English professor. But until then he had to bit his tongue and keep from literally spooning his eyes out of their sockets if he had to read anymore about…what was he even reading?

Sighing heavily he ripped the glasses off his face and slowly massaged his temples in an attempt to ward off the impending headache he felt creeping up on him. He hates long nights like this, where he's left with no company but his own head and a book about…he looks at the book 'English writings of the 18th century' Ugh that shit sucks.

It's after 12 in the morning and he's exhausted, but he's too wound up to sleep.

Mediation. That sounds like a great idea, that would hopefully destroy the headache and wind him down so he could sleep. Of course Cas has never mediated in his life so he simply closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Being wired the way his is though, calming his head and silencing his internal voice is all but futile.

He wanders and he wonders. Growing up in Kansas it made it very easy for him to have a wild imagination, in a state of nothing he envisioned so much more. Though as he tried to calm his mind it wandered off to where it usually did when Castiel let it loose, it journeyed back to _him_. Being a teenager and being in love was the best kind of high that life could give a person. During a time that is so confusing and painful, love is a wonderful presence. The letterman's jacket of _his_ Cas used to wear, the little notes they'd leave one another in their lockers, the promises made between kisses that were inevitably broken.

Fuck. Meditating sucked. Cas shakes his head, as if trying to rattle away the images. Ugh not helping the headache. Both hands back on his head Cas feels a presence behind him and a pair of hands loop around his neck. Warm lips find his ear and whispering hotly against it.

'Come to bed.' The man gently nips at his ear, earning a groan from Cas. Who turns his head and blindly kissed the man on the lips eagerly.

'I'll be there in a minute, I need to take something for this headache.'

'There are other ways to cure a headache…' the men sing songs as he walks away from Cas, swaying his hips in a knowing way.

'Hmm…you make a fair point.' Cas turns off the light in the living room, runs into his room and jumps on the bed, earning him a yelp from the other man.

* * *

May 2012

'Tell me about him.'

Dean rolls his eyes. 'Why is it I'm always drinking when you ask me about him. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were jealous.' Taking a sip of his beer, he eyed Benny with a cold stare that clearly put all kidding aside and told him to leave it. Of course Benny being Benny didn't take any of Dean's crap.

'I'm just curious is all, brotha. We've been friends for, what now? 6 months?'

'You're counting?!'

Ignoring Dean's outburst 'My point is, that you came into this very same very VERY gay bar and sat at this stool and we hit it off that night. Well after I convinced you I wasn't trying to get into your pants and I bribed you with pie…the point is we're friends and yeah I'm curious.'

Dean swallows another mouthful, and stares at the glass. It's true, Benny and him hit it off once he told Dean he was straight and offered to buy him a piece of pie. Dean wasn't sure if he was more confused by the fact that Benny was a straight guy working in a gay bar or if it was possible for pie to taste as good as the pie at the Roadhouse. Benny explained that a large statured man such as himself could make some great tips working at a gay bar. By the end of the night the two had become quick friends and most Friday evenings Dean can be found at the same bar stool chatting with the bartender.

'I really don't want to talk about it man. It was a long time ago, back home. I was a kid and I fucked it up.' He absentmindedly picks at the edge of the bar avoiding eye contact of any sort with his friend. 'Ask me in a year, ask me when I'm sober. Until then, drop it.'

Benny feigned surrender, raising his hands and letting the issue slide for now. He knew there was more to the story then being young and stupid. Yeah he'd only known Dean for 6 months but in all that time he'd never seen him take a guy home from the bar and there had been plenty that tried. He'd never heard Dean talk about a guy unless it was his brother. Sighing he continued about his job, but watched as Dean read some papers for work, seemingly unaffected by the conversation.

* * *

December 2012

Is it possible to hate someone so much you are literally numb to their presence? Castiel looks across the room at Joshua, his boyfriend of 8 months and instantly regrets looking at him as Joshua somehow senses Castiel's eyes on him from across the room and takes that as an invitation to invade Castiel's bubble.

It's not that Joshua was annoying; it was just that anytime he breathed Castiel wanted to either kill him or throw himself off the nearest roof. Taking a breath he and forced a smile as Joshua sidled up to him and engrossed himself in conversation with the other guests at the overly swanky banquet Castiel had been invited to. What was wrong with him? Joshua was attractive; he was lithe and fair skinned, auburn hair and brown eyes with dimples when he smiled. He loved Castiel, what was supposed to be a one-night stand quickly turned into a committed relationship that was now suffocating Cas.

Is it terrible to break up with someone based on the fact that they are annoying? He was probably overreacting, yeah. He'd been stressed lately that's all it was. He put his arm around his boyfriend's shoulder, attempting to ward off the sick feeling in his stomach. It helped, that is until Joshua barked out a wheeze of a laugh at something someone had said.

Nope. Definitely not stress, Joshua needed to go.

Sighing he stood from the table, letting his hand linger on Joshua's shoulder as he continued his disruptive laughing. Castiel needed to clear his head, making a beeline for the door Cas pocketed his glasses in his grey suit jacket and loosened his navy tie. Once outside he breathed in the cold air of Chicago, ok maybe being outside was a bad idea it was fucking cold. He shuddered.

'Cold isn't it?'

Cas stiffened, he definitely thought he had been alone out here, turning he was met with a handsome stranger in a tan trench coat. He eyed the stranger warily as the man puffed out smoke from his mouth as he drew away his cigarette. 'Yeah for some reason I forgot it was December when I walked out here, just really needed some air.'

The man laughed and shrugged off his over coat, his eyebrows raised as he presented the coat to Castiel.

Castiel shook his head. 'I'm really ok, thank you very much but I'd hate to have the guilt of your death on my conscious when you perish from hypothermia.'

'HA!' The man let out a startled laugh 'you, sir are funny. But did you ever consider my guilt when you die from hypothermia? You are far too handsome to die at such a dull party.' He presents the coat again 'Humor me?'

Castiel blushes and rolls his eyes good-naturedly and shuffles forward into the coat. It's a perfect fit. He's actually been eying a coat like this for some time but Joshua insists it doesn't suit him. Stupid Joshua.

'Thank you. I'm Castiel, Castiel Novak.' He offers his hand to the man, who in turn takes it in his own.

'Balthazar Routh and truly it's my pleasure, that coat really suits you.' He runs his hands over the lapels to smooth over a wrinkle. His hands linger. 'I don't want to alarm you but this jacket is made for you. You simply must get one.' Their eyes meet.

Castiel swallows.

'My boyfriend believes that a jacket like this, doesn't 'project the proper image' a man like me wants to exude.' He uses finger quotes as he mimics Joshua's voice and rolls his eyes.

'Oh. Touchy subject?'

'You have no idea.' Castiel blurts out before he knows what he's doing.

Balthazar eyes him with a strange intensity. 'Have you ever been in love, Castiel?'

Castiel stops breathing, stops thinking, stops existing.

'Once…'

'But not now?' Balthazar tilts his head and steps into Castiel's personal space, resting his arms around Cas's shoulders pushing the boundaries.

'No.'

"What happened? That 'Once'" He can feel Balthazar's hands in his hair at the back of his neck.

'It ended.' Voice thick. 'I ended it.'

'Why?' Balthazar moves closer.

Castiel moves in, mouth against Balthazar's ear, voice gravelly and low. 'Do you really want to talk about that?'

Balthazar smirks and angles his head to press his lips hungrily against Castiel's.


	2. Progress

**Author's notes: Ok So this is a long chapter, I'm having trouble figuring out where to leave off. The feels are strong in this chapter. Dean and Cas finally meet up again, so your waiting has not been for naught! Please let me know what you think. I am pretty happy with this one.**

 **Read and Review it is much appreciated.**

February 2013

Balthazar is easy. Balthazar is fun.

Castiel doesn't want textbook, Castiel wants wild and dangerous and Balthazar has that in truckloads. Studies almost forgotten Castiel follows him everywhere, clubs, late night boat rides, shows, concerts, fancy dinners. To be honest Castiel doesn't really know what Balthazar does for a living and frankly he doesn't care. Joshua long since forgotten, Castiel's life expands beyond school and the handful of friends he has. The life is crazy, the partying is crazy, the sex is crazy and the only hang up is that there is none. Castiel just wants to have fun, and Balthazar seems content with that.

Since College Castiel has been fiercely independent, only seeking out company when he truly desires it but able to be social when appropriate. Relationships came and went more often then he cares to remember, being a good boyfriend hasn't been a priority of his for quite some time. Sex used to mean something to him, but now it's just a pleasurable past time. With his bright blue eyes, dark brown hair and eternal 5 o'clock shadow Castiel had always been able to find a willing participant to take the edge off.

'I don't want to be an English Professor.' Castiel whines through pouted lips as he slowly begins hitting his head against the textbook he is supposed to be reading.

'Oh shut it, four eyes you love this boring crap.' The redhead across from him didn't even bother looking up from her laptop as she furiously typed away at it.

Charlie was probably Castiel's best friend. They met sophomore year at a party where they both had a little too much to drink. Still not completely over his breakup from the year before Castiel was confused and had begun to question whether or not he was gay. His solution: sleep with a girl. It wasn't until they had both gotten down to their underwear on some guy's bed at the frat house where the party was, that Castiel burst into a fit of giggles that eventually led to gross sobs. Though drunken, Charlie; bless her little nerdy soul, seemed to sober up enough, to collect him in her arms and talk him through his melt down. By the end Charlie had confessed she was a lesbian and was just confused and worried that her parents would not love her if they knew. Castiel confessed he was gay and had never doubted it until recently when his world had fallen apart. The next morning over a greasy breakfast the two realized they had more in common then they had originally thought.

Friendship was inevitable.

'I just want sleep!' He drawled on.

Charlie scoffs at him. 'Well maybe if you slept at night instead of fornicating all the night through, you wouldn't be so tired! And don't even try to deny it, I can hear you guys going at it. Indecent if you ask me-'

'You live across town, Charlie. I highly doubt either Balthazar or I are that loud when we are intimate.'

'And once again my sarcastic humor evades you, my young Padawan. Also: Wanky.' She winks at him across the table. 'Come on, hurry up! I NEED coffee and you owe me from last week, so I am cashing in my ticket on that.'

Thirty minutes later the two friends were walking arm in arm through the snow on campus to the Hallowed Grounds coffee shop nearby.

March 2013

'What was his name?'

Dean stares across the bar at the bottles of multicolored liquors, avoiding Benny's gaze. How had they even gotten on this subject?

'Who?' Smart one Winchester, play dumb.

'The guy who broke your heart, the one in Kansas.'

He licks his lips. Tapping the bar, he signals Benny for another drink.

'If I remember correctly I believe I told you to drop it.' He eyes the beer in front of him, drawing a swirly design on the glass.

'Can't blame a brotha for tryin.' He chuckles. 'You plan on being here all night? I can get you some grub.' He motions vaguely to the kitchen.

'Naw man.' He rubs the back of his neck tiredly. 'I've got to head out after this one actually. I have to go into the office tomorrow and put the finishing touches on some marketing proposals.' He takes a big drink, enjoying the bitter taste in his mouth.

Benny wanders around the bar refilling drinks and taking orders. Friday nights are busy and some of these guys can be real divas if they don't get their cosmos as quickly as possible. And Benny is just not in the mood to get snapped at tonight, not again. A good amount of time passes before Benny is able to give Dean any attention again, and by then Dean is finished with his beer. He packs up his things, and puts some money down at the bar giving Benny and sarcastic smile and a wink to follow. Benny laughs it off and turns away to put the money in the register.

'Benny.'

Benny turns and sees Dean awkwardly standing by his stool. He looks torn and tired, like he wants to stay and have a talk but keeps thinking better of it.

'His name was Cas.' He bites his lip and looks down almost surprised at himself, like he hasn't said that name in years. 'His name was Castiel.' He taps the bar twice and walks away and out of Benny's line of vision.

Progress.

May 2013

'So I met this guy…'

Benny attempts to control his face as looks at Dean from across the bar. Picking up a glass, he starts polishing it while he waits for Dean to continue.

'His name is Adam, he's 25 like me. He's a Junior Accounts Manager like me, My marketing department is consulting with their marketing department on a product for the company he works for, and I had to meet with him the other day to discuss strategy.' Dean smiles, like truly smiles and it reaches his eyes in a way Benny has never seen before. 'He's awesome, man. He's like a guy, ya know? He drinks whiskey, loves old school cars and football. I just-' He cuts himself off and takes a drink of his beer. 'I'm happy, Benny. I haven't felt like this in years.' His smile widens as he traces the rim of his glass.

Benny smiles back at him. 'I'm happy for ya, Dean. Drinks or Pie to celebrate?'

'Please Benny, you know me.'

He laughs 'Alright then,' he pours two shots of whiskey 'Both it is.

The conversation Dean promised to have with Benny a year ago, forgotten.

September 2013

Falling in love with Adam was as easy as breathing for Dean Winchester. Four months in and Dean still could not get that shit eating grin off his face.

'I might be transferring to Chicago.' Dean miserably grumbled around his bottle of beer.

'Dean you are moving to Chicago, you got the promotion a week ago.' Benny grabbed the bottle from Dean's hand and raised it up over his head 'Jo! How many of these has he had?' Dean had arrived at the Roadhouse before Benny for their usual Tuesday Burgers, Pies and pool night.

'He's had four! Not to mention the shots before that.' Jo called out from behind the counter.

Shit. 'Dean, man you can't drink this much on a weeknight. You can't have a hangover at work tomorrow, unless you want to lose that promotion and be stuck with me the rest of your damn life.'

'I love Adam.' Dean slurs from across the table, he's leaning heavily against his back with his shoulders slouched in front with a defeated look on his face. 'I love him Benny.'

'I figured as much, brotha. You get all moon eyed when you look at him.' He sips Dean's beer.

'Ask me about him.'

'Dean I think I know everything I need to know about Adam-'

'No.' Dean cuts him off, waving his hand drunkenly as if trying to swat a fly. 'No. Ask me about _him._ '

Benny swallows. He knows what Dean is referring too, and not that he isn't interested it's just that Dean is drunk and would probably tell him anything right now and Benny isn't sure how he feels about that.

'Did you love him?'

'Yes.' The answer is immediate and filled with conviction, the look on Dean's face serious.

'Why did it end?'

'I fucked it up.'

Benny hums, even drunk Dean doesn't change the story.

'Would you still be with him if you could?'

Dean leans forwards onto his elbows and he makes eye contact with Benny. 'I would have stayed with him forever.' He slumps back against the wall of the booth.

'But not anymore?'

'I'm here.' He gestured to himself. 'I love Adam.'

'He broke your heart.' It is a statement more than a question.

'No.' He shakes his head. 'No, I did that all on my own.'

'Dean. Why now?' He questions his friend. 'I've asked you about this Cas guy ever since I met ya. Why are ya telling me bout him now?'

Silence.

Dean lets out a heavy breath. 'Cas lives in Chicago, or at least that's the last place I knew he lived. I don't want to go to Chicago. I love Adam but I can't run into Cas and see him happy with a boyfriend or a husband, I just-' He trails off, his emotions getting the best of him in his intoxicated state as he takes shaky breaths. 'I can't risk something amazing like Adam. I can't do that to him or to me. I won't survive it, Benny.'

Benny reaches across the table and pats Dean's arm. 'Chicago is a big city Dean, just like Berkeley. Don't psych yourself out.'

The next day Dean acts as if nothing had ever happened. Dean asks Adam if he'll move to Chicago with him, Adam accepts saying he'd follow Dean anywhere. The two plan a trip for the second week of October to check out some apartments and briefly familiarize themselves with the city.

October 2013

It's a cold day In Chicago.

'C'mon Cassie, come back to bed.' Balthazar pleaded in a tired voice.

'Balth I can't. I have an appointment with my professor to go over my thesis.' He pauses for emphasis 'This is important. This is my future.' Castiel attempts to put his shirt on, but only succeeds in putting it on backwards. Huffing out an aggravated breath he quickly tears it off his body and rights it.

'You'll do fine. Your thesis is fabulous. Just like your ass.' He laughs at his own cheeky comment and stretches his arms behind his head, catching fabric he brings it into his line of vision. Chuckling he throws the garment at Castiel who is frantically searching and muttering something about pants. 'So tonight, I was thinking dinner at Goosefoot again? It was so remarkable last time and William and Theodore have been asking for us to double with them again.'

'Have you seen my glasses?' Ignoring Balthazar's end of the conversation entirely, Castiel searches beside the bed in vain.

'Are you just going to ignore me?'

Sighing Castiel looks at the clock on the far wall; he did not have time for this.

'Balthazar. You know I'm not looking for a relationship. It's fun, the sex is great, I just don't need the full nine yards anymore...does that make sense?' He searches the British man's face. 'I'm looking for something fun in my life, not a partner. You knew that. I'm not feeling like we are on the same page with that anymore.'

Balthazar stands, boxer brief slung low on his hips. His eyes never leaving Castiel's face as he walks the few feet towards him. 'What happened to you? Why are you so broken?'

Castiel puffs his chest out 'I. Am. Not. Broken.' He grits through his teeth. 'I am driven. I have plans for myself. Why do I feel like we've had this talk before?'

'That's because we have and every time you put up your bloody walls and ignore everything I have to say. This may be hard for you to believe Castiel, but between all the strange boundaries and times of complete indifference you've thrown at me…I've fallen in love with you.' The admission hangs in the air.

Balthazar reaches down for the tan coat he gave Castiel all those months ago, picks it up and shakes it. He offers it to Castiel the same way he did that first night. Eyes wide Castiel steps into the jacket in much the same manner, turning to face Balthazar who flattens the lapels of the jacket.

'Your glasses are on the entry table. I know you always misplace them when you get frisky, so I moved them last night.' Balthazar's hands slide off Castiel's chest as he turns his back to Castiel. 'You'll be late. We'll talk later.'

'Balth-'

'Go Castiel.'

Staring determinedly at Balthazar's back, Castiel backs out of the room in a strange daze. Reaching the entryway he picks up his glasses and takes hold of the door handle, flinging it open and fleeing from the apartment he rushes down the hall to the elevator.

What is this feeling? Whatever it is he doesn't like it.

October 2013

Dean loves Adam in a way he never thought he could love someone. There is no way around it, Dean is happy. Years of self-loathing, working and drinking have led him to a whole new world of love.

They arrive in Chicago on a Sunday and immediately go out for burgers and beers. Flights make Dean nervous and bless Adam for picking up on that, even though Dean has never had a reason to inform him of that irrational fear.

Monday morning brings lazy kisses exchanged over breakfast in bed and an Old Clint Eastwood movie that Dean talks Adam into watching with him. As the day continues the two do some sightseeing and look through the paper at some apartment listings to look into the next day.

Tuesday has the two men smack dab in the middle of the city with a map in Adam's hands and the newspaper in Dean's hands as they attempt to find one of the apartment's on their list. Dean's eyes search the streets for some street name when his eyes stop.

Across the street, talking adamantly to a short redheaded woman is without a doubt the one and only Castiel Novak. Dean's heart clenches, it's been six years and his heart still clenches. He's purposefully avoided talking about him, thinking about him, saying his name, friends they once had in common. Honestly anything that reminded him of Cas he cut out of his life.

'Dean?' Adam grabs his arm, his brow furrowing 'You ok?' He looks in the direction Dean's eyes remain locked on but doesn't see what Dean sees.

His mouth is dry, why is his mouth dry? Castiel freaking Novak is across the street from him, wearing a tan coat that flaps in the wind. His hair is darker than Dean remembers, he's taller, he's bulked up and he dons a 5'oclock shadow. He's with a woman and he's laughing.

Dean wants to hear that laugh, hasn't heard that laugh in six years.

Unable to stop his body, Dean grabs Adam's hand and drags him across the street (safely) until he is but a few feet away from Castiel.

Castiel's back is to Dean at this point but the redhead seems to notice the two men approaching them and clears her throat.

'Hello boys, what can we do you for?' Charlie questions in a bubbly voice.

Castiel turns around and is met with a face he was never expecting to see again. He knows he looks wild, his hair's natural state is 'bed head' and he can only imagine he is mirroring the bewildered look that is plastered on Dean's face.

Moments pass.

Clearing her throat and clicking her tongue. 'I'm Charlie and this is my demented friend Ca-'

'Dean Winchester.' Castiel's voice is deep as he cuts Charlie off 'Finally made it out of Kansas I see.'

'Castiel Novak.' Dean laughs his name out. 'Right where I left you.'

A flicker of recognition passes over everyone's face.

Something happens neither was expecting to ever happen, they smile. Dean smiles at Cas and Cas smiles at Dean and for a moment it feels like it used to. Six years haven't passed and it's just the two of them.

Adam snakes his hand around Dean's bicep and extends a hand 'You're the famous Cas?! I'm Adam.'

And all at once the moment is broken, Dean and Cas aren't 18, they aren't madly in love, Dean is with Adam and Castiel is alone. Both men break eye contact and Castiel shakes Adam's hand.

'Anytime Dean mentions High School it's always Cas this or Cas that. It's nice to finally have a face to go with all the stories.'

Castiel forces a smile 'It's pleasant to know I'm spoken of so fondly, especially given the circumstances surrounding the ending of our relationship.'

'Relationship?' Adam rears his head back with a quizzical look on his face and turns to Dean.

Oh shit. Oh shit.

Dean's face pales 'I mentioned Cas and I dated, haven't I?' He rubs Adam's back awkwardly his eyes not leaving Cas' face, as if trying to soak up as much of him as he possibly can. Six years is a long time to go without seeing those blue eyes or those dimples he gets when he smiles.

'So what brings you two to Chicago? Vacation?' Charlie asks quickly, hoping to fill the awkward silence. Castiel mentally praises Charlie for picking up the conversation.

'Looking at apartments actually.' Adam declares, patting Dean's chest affectionately 'This big guy got a promotion that is moving him away from Sunny California to windy Chicago. So we are trying to find some good neighborhoods.'

'California?' Cas can't help but feel left out of some imaginary loop 'Since when?'

Dean shifts his weight a bit away from his boyfriend as Adam and Charlie launch into a long-winded conversation of neighborhoods and apartments they should look into.

'A map and newspaper dude, really? What year are you from?' Charlie scoffs as they break away from the other two.

'I did two years at KU then transferred to the University of California to finish out my marketing degree, which worked out in the end cause Sammy got into Stanford and moved there two years later. The plan was to move in together his sophomore year but he met this girl named Jess and long story short they are sickeningly cute and I expect to see an engagement ring as soon as they graduate.' Dean babbles and smiles thinking about Sam and Jess 'I got a job straight out of college and just stayed in California. It didn't even cross my mind to move anywhere else, why would I?'

The conversation flows from there, Dean learns Cas is still in school but doesn't have much longer until he graduates with his Masters and plans to apply to become a Professor's assistant or a Professor at a community college while he works towards a doctorate degree. Cas learns Dean is now a Marketing Accounts manager and yes it is as boring as it sounds most of the time. Dean expresses his concern on the weather of Chicago and Castiel teases him about being on the other side of the country for too long.

Dean can't stop staring at Cas, waiting for it to hit him in the stomach and leave him a sobbing mess. He almost wants it to. It's been six years but Dean still remembers being 18 and having his heart broken, he remembers crying himself to sleep for months at the loss. He expects this sinking feeling but instead he feels content, like he's finally able to breath for the first time in years.

Adam makes his presence known again by carefully tapping Dean's shoulder, Dean turns to face him and the look on Adam's face makes Dean believe this isn't the first time Adam has attempted to grab his attention. 'We should get going, it's almost 3 and we still have to find this apartment.'

'Of course, yeah sorry.' He quickly grabs Adam's hand and flashes one of his award winning Dean Winchester smiles at Castiel and Charlie who has also gotten Cas' attention as well. Now it feels awkward. Without Adam in his space he felt comfortable speaking with Cas, now he could feel Adam's eyes on him.

'It was awesome seeing you Cas.' His body twitches as if fighting the familiar urge to hug Castiel. 'I guess I'll be seeing you around.'

Castiel smiles. It's a sad smile Dean can tell because it looks just like the smile he gave Dean the last time they saw one another.

'We'll see, Chicago is a big city after all.'

Castiel and Charlie turn to leave at the same time Dean and Adam turn to leave. Neither Dean nor Cas turns around though they are both fighting the urge too.


	3. Compromise

**Alright! Thanks for waiting, I love you all. 3 to the beta reader, love ya babe.**

October 2013

Seeing Dean had been terrible. It had been heartbreaking. It had been terribly heartbreaking. For a soon-to-be English Professor, Castiel's words were failing him horribly. Then again his words always seemed to betray him when it came to Dean Winchester.

Dean Winchester: The boy who broke his heart. True Castiel was the one to put an end to the relationship but Dean had been the one to instigate that end. Long distance was hard, being 8 hours away from each other was hard and in the end that did their relationship in; that and Dean's actions. Castiel still doesn't know why Dean what he did, after Dean told him Castiel immediately ended things hoping a clean cut would help him move on more quickly. When in actuality it had the opposite effect.

Seeing Dean had felt like coming home. All the pain and hurt Cas had pushed aside over the past six years evaporated. Castiel had gone over it in his head countless times, rehearsed it till it was second nature. However the scenario that played out had never been in his realm of possibilities. Maybe it was the small part of him that was still a hopeless naïve romantic; who believed in first loves lasting forever. Cas will be the first to admit he should have allowed himself more time to mourn the relationship, he should have wallowed and shed more tears then he did. Maybe if he had, seeing Dean six years after the fact wouldn't be as devastating as it had been.

God he was beautiful. Castiel had almost forgotten how it felt to have the air ripped out of his lungs just from the sight of Dean Winchester. His voice was deeper, His features sharper and somehow more freckles had been peppered across Dean's sun kissed face; likely from the California sun. His hair appeared to be darker, less blond and browner. Castiel remembers spending hours carding his fingers through that hair when they were teenagers. His lips, god how does one describe Dean Winchester's lips?

Castiel stops dead in his tracks, eyes focused far away. Fuck. He was never going to get over Dean, not unless he actively strived to. Balthazar was right. Castiel Novak was broken; yes Dean Winchester had ruined Castiel. Just like that the walls built over six years came tumbling down. Leaving Cas shaken to his foundation.

* * *

Knock, knock…Knock knock

The knocking continues for a few more moments until Balthazar relents and gets up from his chair to open the door. It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon on Tuesday and he hasn't spoken to Cas since their spat yesterday morning. So when he opens the door and sees Cas standing there he is slightly taken aback. Cas who stands there looking more disheveled than usual and out of breath.

Balthazar looks Cas up and down 'You look god awful, Cassie.' He crosses his arms over his chest 'what happen-'

'I'm broken.' Castiel cuts his words off with a breathless but loud voice. 'I told you I wasn't, I didn't realize.' He moves towards Balthazar and into the apartment, his hands coming up to unravel Balthazar's arms from around his torso, replacing them with his own.

'Cassie-' Balthazar attempts to push Castiel off of him but is met with clinging octopus arms.

'Dean.' He breaths 'His name was Dean…and he was the love of my life. H-he fucked it up and then I fucked it up and because of that we lost what we had, we lost each other. We were meant to be together but…' He trails off, running his fingers through Balthazar's blond hair. ' I'm not 19 anymore; I need more then childish promises. I'm ready for more, that next step. I can't live in the past anymore.' Tears fall from his eyes as he fights against the emotions overtaking him.

Balthazar quite honestly has no idea what to do with a crying Cas. The most emotion he sees out of Castiel is when they have sex or he is around Charlie. But Cas is pouring his heart out to Balthazar; he's clinging to him as if his life depends on it. He brings his arms around Castiel's back and holds him gently as Cas continues mumbling into his shirt. 'What am I supposed to do with this Cas? What do you want from me?'

Balthazar fully expects Castiel to sober up and push away from him and pretend this never happened. The reality that meets him is quite the opposite when Castiel instead continues clinging to him and mumbles more words into his shirt.

Balthazar chuckles 'Castiel.' He gently pulls and pushes until Cas is a bit away from him. His hand runs down Castiel's face, wiping away tears and raising Cas' chin so his eyes meet Balthazar's own. He looks so broken, so sad and so un-Castiel like. It breaks his heart. He leans forward and captures Castiel's lips with his own in a chaste kiss. 'I can't hear you when you mumble, love.'

'Help me.' The words come out wrecked and utterly depressing. 'I don't know how to live a life apart from my past.' He swallows 'Fix me.' He trails is arms up and wraps them around Balthazar's neck 'You love me?'

Bloody hell. 'That's a cheap shot Castiel. I've told you how I feel, don't make me humiliate myself again.' He goes to push Castiel away as a sharp pain attacks his heart.

Cas grips him tight 'Balthazar. My feelings for you are the closest to love I have felt for a person since him.' Seeing Dean today he realized that Dean, right now, would be perfect. But Dean has Adam. Castiel could have Balthazar: who is charming and genteel but who isn't quite Dean. He licks his lips. 'If you'll have me, such as I am. I want nothing more than to try with you.'

Balthazar's hands grab his face, rushed but gentle. His thumbs rubbed across his cheekbones as Castiel raises his eyes to meet his. 'Well…I'd rather have you, broken then not at all.'

And just like that, the air is ripped from Castiel's lungs in a way he hasn't felt for years.

* * *

October 2013

Adam doesn't say anything. He wants to wait until they are back in California; maybe he's just imagined things. Adam wasn't an idiot. Whatever had happened between Dean and Castiel had obviously never been dealt with. He also wasn't blind. He saw the way Dean looked at Cas; it was obvious there were still feelings there, certainly from Dean and probably from Cas too. He tries to enjoy the remainder of their trip but as he sits at the table in their hotel room with a lease agreement in his hand, he can't seem to find it in him to sign on the dotted line.

He sets the paper down and turns his head to look at Dean, who is sitting on the couch watching some Doctor TV drama and drinking a beer. God he loves Dean. Up until a few days ago he believed Dean loved him too. Was he just over thinking this? He was probably just over thinking it…but why hadn't Dean mentioned he and Cas dated in High school? All the times Dean talks about Kansas he always brings Cas into the story but not once did he tell Adam the nature of their relationship.

It hurt. If Castiel had been just a friend like Adam had originally thought, he wouldn't have minded hearing about all Dean and Cas' adventures back in Kansas. Now though the knowledge that Cas and Dean were most likely dating throughout all those stories taints the times Dean shared them with Adam. It felt like a lie.

'Why did you never tell me you and Cas dated?'

The beer freezes midway to Dean's mouth. 'What?' Too quick a response.

'I'm sorry; I'm not trying to start anything. I'm honestly just curious.' He gets up from his seat and makes his way towards Dean, sitting across from him on the couch. 'I mean you talk about him whenever we talk about Kansas. I'm just curious as to why you never brought up the detail of you two dating.'

'Cas and I broke up, like six years ago. Why does it matter that we dated in High School?'

'Because Dean, you didn't tell me.' He spits a little too venomously back at his boyfriend.

'I don't know why we are even talking about this.' Dean feels tired. 'It was a million years ago! I haven't seen or talked to the guy since. Can we drop it?' He takes a sip of his beer and returns his attention to the television.

Dean and Adam hardly fight and when they do it gets bad. Adam needs all the information laid out in front of him right at that very moment, while Dean likes to brood about it for a while before discussing. Their styles just clash. This time is no different. Adam accuses Dean of lying to him; Dean accuses Adam of not trusting him. Adam yells at him and Dean just takes it, everything Adam says to him or accuses him of Dean just locks his jaw and takes it. He remains silent and Adam berates him and digs into him. He won't tell Adam, he can't. Hasn't said it out loud in years, up until a few days ago he was almost to the point of believing it had all been a nightmare. Adam will hate him. Adam will leave him.

Then Adam is threatening to leave and Dean finally breaks his eye contact with the beer bottle in his hands. His green eyes find Adam's hazel. His heart clamps and it hurts; but not in the earth shattering pain he remembers feeling with Cas, and that thought startles him. He can't lose Adam. Seeing Cas had in no way diminished his feelings for Adam and he needed Adam to know that.

Adam is staring at Dean from across the room, waiting for some declaration; anything to stop him from walking out the door right at that moment.

'I loved him.' That was not the declaration Dean had practiced in his head, he pushes on 'Cas and I met freshman year at Lawrence High. It wasn't hard for us, I have no idea why. Two gay teenage boys in a Midwest town…you'd expect all hell to break loose, but it didn't. It just…was. I had mostly gotten by on my flirtatiousness and my athleticism; but I didn't know how alone I was until I met Castiel Novak.' He pauses attempting to steer the conversation a different way 'All the stories I told you, yes Cas and I were dating those times but I didn't mean them as stories of me and my high school boyfriend. They were stories of my best friend and me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you…I really try to not talk about our relationship.' He sniffs as his emotions begin to over take him. 'I fucked it up.' He presses his lips together 'we broke up our freshman year of College. That's where our story ended.'

'What happened?'

Dean looks up at Adam, tears down his face. 'You'll hate me…just like he did. I'm not perfect. I was 19!' He almost yells the last part. 'We were meant to be so much more, we were meant to be together. Forever.' He scratches his head 'Cas was my person, he was everything and I was his. I ruined it. I don't believe in soul mates, but if two people were meant to be together it was Cas and I.'

Adam feels the air sucked out of him. Dean gets up from the couch, sets his beer on the table and walks over to Adam.

'I never thought I would love anyone again. I honestly didn't think I was capable. I was broken for so long, and then you came into my life and pieced me back together.' He reaches for Adam's hand on the door handle and takes it in his own. 'I'm not 19 anymore; I've lived a life without love for so long. The thought of losing you…Adam, I wouldn't make it.' Adam grips Dean's hand. 'I need someone for forever. You know what I want…' Adam nods knowingly 'and I want that, all of that with you.'

He kisses Adam like his life depends on it. In his mind it does. Adam remains still, as if in shock, until he reciprocates and embraces Dean in his arms. They stay like that for a few moments until Dean pulls away, slightly.

'Please don't ask me about him again.' He stares into Adam's eyes.

It's silent. Adam knows this isn't right, something feels off and he should say something to Dean. But all the declarations, all the hopes and fears that Dean just shared with him make him feel raw and burn. So he nods and leans back into another kiss with Dean hoping to make them both forget about Castiel.


	4. Everything Changes

Sorry for the delay, bit of writer's block. Thank you to my beautiful beta lady 3 Enjoy. Only one more chapter till some major events.

It's Tuesday and that means Burger, beers and pool at the Roadhouse for Dean and Benny. It's Dean's first Tuesday back in California since returning from Chicago and he really needs this time with his friend. He even invited Sam along because…well Sammy.

'So how was Chicago? I didn't hear from you once! Which is surprising cause I know you're obsessed with me.' Sam taunts Dean from across the pool table were they are halfway through a game while they wait for Benny to get off his shift at the bar.

Dean rolls his eyes and takes his shot, laughing when the ball rolls into the pocket. 'Shut it, Samantha. The trip went fine. Adam and I found a place, the end.'

'Wow that was a moving story Dean,' He places his hand over his heart 'Thank you for sharing.' He takes a sip of his beer. He knows Dean, knows when something is eating at him and right now it's obvious that his big brother is hiding something. Sam might be grasping at straws with his thinking Dean's mood might have something to do with Castiel. Chicago is a big city after all but the worst that is going to happen is that Dean will call him a bitch and the conversation will be dropped.

'So get this…' He leans over the table and lines his stick up with the white ball 'I was looking at rings the other day and it got me thinking…maybe next time I go you'd like to join me and maybe look at something for Adam?' He takes the shot and misses, sighing he rose off the table.

Dean has frozen, beer in hand, eyes wide, mouth open. 'What did you just say to me?' He sets his beer down and invades Sam's personal space, hands on his 'little' brother's face. 'Did you just nonchalantly imply you went engagement ring shopping?...WITHOUT ME?!' He yells the last part so loud people turn their heads.

Sam chuckles. 'Yes Dean. I went shopping without you, try not to pout.' Dean pouts. 'Don't worry I didn't buy anything. You know I would never do that without you.' There's a moment, they both feel it but neither wants to comment on it. Sam clears his throat 'Plus, um ya know I thought maybe you would maybe want to get something ya know…for Adam.' He eyes Dean's reaction as they move away from each other towards the table.

Dean slides into the bench across from Sam and fiddles with his beer bottle, avoiding Sam's eyes. 'I don't know Sammy…I love him, I really do. We're moving half way across the country together isn't that commitment enough for now?' He grumbles and drinks his beer.

Sam puts on a bitch face, the one that makes him look constipated and suave all at the same time. 'Is there something you're not telling me?' Dean glares, Sam raises his hands in defense 'Ok sorry! Look, I'm not trying to push you into anything. I only brought it up because you mentioned it; remember? Before you two went to Chicago?'

Oh. Right. Dean groans and pushes the back of his hands against his eyes. What was the point in not telling Sam anyway, they told each other everything. Keeping him out of the loop would just be well…wrong.

'Adam and I got into a big fight in Chicago and before you start, I didn't do anything!' He pushes his bottle around as he attempts to find the words. 'We ran into Cas and ok yeah I never told Adam that Cas and I actually dated. It got brought up, Adam got upset. The end. Ok?' He flags down Jo in an attempt to order food and distract away from the conversation.

'Wait. What? You never told Adam you and Cas dated? But…we've talked about Cas with Adam…' Sam is met with only silence on Dean's end. 'Wow. So he just thought you guys were friends? That's…not cool Dean. Are you guys ok now?'

A basket of fries is set down on the table with a large ramekin of ranch, Dean smiles and thanks Jo before picking a single fry up and stirring the ranch absently. He licks his lips and lets his mind wander for a moment.

'I love Adam.' He states it firmly, and hopes Sam understands he means it. He lets the fry drop. 'But seeing Cas…it really messed me up Sammy.' He locks eyes with his brother 'When Adam and I fought I said some stuff. Stuff I hadn't said out loud in years, and hearing myself say them…' He trails off and chews on a fry. 'It made me realize that this whole time, these past six years I've just been skating by. Finding Adam was the first spark of romantic happiness I've had since Cas.' He pushes his lips together till they turn white, willing himself to stop talking. 'I'm happy, I really am. It just rattled me. Up until Adam I was honestly just biding my time until Cas and I met up again and magically got back together. Seeing him…it just solidified what I have with Adam, but it also made me miss him.'

Sam sat across the table surprised. He'd known how Dean felt about Cas, better than anyone. Knew how it crushed Dean's soul when they broke up and how terrible Dean felt for years, punishing himself hoping in someway it make up for his mistakes. Dean Winchester, ever the martyr.

'Well…you're moving to Chicago with Adam. You have a life with Adam. What are you going to do Dean?'

It feels like his life is flashing before his eyes, memories of times with Cas and times with Adam. He thinks about who he was and who he is, because he knows that even if he had Cas, if he had always had Cas and hadn't thrown it all away and they somehow made it through their freshman year of College he wouldn't be the person he is today. Without losing Cas he would have never moved to California, would have never gotten the amazing education he did, never gotten his job, never met Benny, never got to bond more with his brother, he never would have met Adam. He likes who he is. He likes his life. Everything happens for a reason.

He is nothing like his former self, not like 19 year old Dean.

Dean smiles. He's where he is and with who is supposed to be with. Fate had dealt him his hand. It was a pretty good hand when looked at objectively.

He has Adam. He loves Adam.

His ears perk up as he catches the last bit of what Sam is drabbling on about.

'I mean I'm the biggest Destiel fan around, but dude, I've seen you around Adam. You two are amazing together.' He shoves a few fries into his mouth and washes it down with beer.

Dean glares at his brother. 'Did you just say Destiel? Dude how many times have I told you?'

February 2014

Being single on Valentines Day officially sucks. Dean hasn't really noticed before, mostly because he was used to being single for so long. But damn being recently broken up with, single and new to a city really blew. Dean has only lived in Chicago a little over a month, but during that time the weather has made him miss Sunny California.

Dean lost Adam sometime after Thanksgiving, or maybe he let him go. He can't remember. Dean had pushed aside all his Cas related thoughts and was looking forward to his new life with Adam, but it seemed like Adam hadn't pushed aside his Cas related thoughts. In the end Adam won't let himself complete with a memory. He throws everything back in Dean's face, all the things Dean had told him, everything he said. He spits accusations and angry words at Dean and for once Dean fires right back. Just like that the man he had grown to love became his least favorite fan. One moment he is in love with Adam; full on, head over heels in love and the next it's all blown up in his face and he's…

Heartbroken. That's a feeling he's familiar with, a feeling he's comfortable with. Another failed relationship and he can't help but blame himself as he always does. He'd lost his boyfriend, moved away from his home, his brother and his friends all in the course of a month. He swallows his beer. Dean was on the search for a new Roadhouse and after only eating half his burger it appeared that search would continue.

He sighs. Raising his hand to flag down the bartender, he pulls some bills out of his wallet and throws them down as he stands. Grabbing his two jackets and his scarf Dean bundles up before exiting Texas Roadhouse. It's 17 degrees outside and the gloves don't help fight off the chill as he slowly makes his way down the street towards his beloved Impala. His boots fight against the snow that is threatening to overtake the city, his gloved hands fumble with the keys until he is able to jerk open the door and slide into the bench seat. He starts the car and pulls out his phone while he waits for Baby to warm up, pressing the home button the screen lights up with a picture of him, Sam, Benny, Jess and Jo. His heart takes a dive as he bites his lip to fight the sob that has been threatening to break loose for the past month.

He's Dean Winchester, he doesn't cry. Not anymore.

He puts Baby into first and pulls onto the street making his way back to his empty apartment. Maybe he should get a dog…or a cat. He scoffs at the idea. If no human being wanted to be around him, he wasn't about to subject an animal to his presence either. He turns on the tape deck and it blasts some Metallica at him. He drives past the Texas Roadhouse just as a limo pulls up.

He shakes his head. Fucking Valentine's Day.

February 2014

Balthazar had gone all out to impress and woo Castiel at the official beginning of their relationship and it appeared as though he was not letting up even after 4 months. It was endearing in a hopeless sort of way. Honestly now that Balthazar and Cas were an official item, Castiel was no longer blown away or enthralled by the exuberant spending that Balthazar seemed to be so fond of.

Tonight was Valentine's Day and Castiel had somehow been able to convince Balthazar to tone it down. Nothing over the top, no gifts, nothing fancy, just simple. Really all Castiel wanted was to have a Cheeseburger. It felt as though it had been ages since his last burger. Balthazar was more of a filet mignon type rather than a ground beef type. Cas was quite the opposite. Although Castiel was able to appreciate a fine cut of meat while Balthazar could not appreciate a simple burger patty. But in order to please and appease his boyfriend Balthazar had agreed to go to Castiel favorite burger place instead of some fancy stuck up restaurant.

It was 6:15 when Castiel's doorbell rang. He looks at himself in the mirror one last time, his reflection hasn't changed since he last looked. Sighing he runs his hands through his hair in an attempt to tame it, which proves ineffective as it fought against him. Leaving his hair his hand travels down the side of his face till it cupped his cheek, the stubble grating against his hand. His reflection still looked the same as it had 4 months ago and yet he felt like a completely different person. He felt new.

There was a knock on the door, reminding him of his waiting guest. Shit. He rushed out of his bathroom and quickly opened the front door of his apartment. The sight that greeted him was of two-dozen red roses, a box of expensive French chocolates and a bottle of Champagne. So much for no gifts. Castiel rolled his eyes good naturedly as he ushered his boyfriend in and helped set the items on the dining room table.

'Balth I thought I told you no gifts. Those' He points 'Look like gifts.' He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's neck as he put on his best bitch face.

'I assure you my darling, those are the only surprises you'll get out of me tonight.' He kisses Castiel sweetly on the lips. 'In all seriousness though, I'm sorry. I had fully intended to honor your rule but I saw these things and I thought of you.'

Castiel smiles at his Balthazar before pulling away to grab his jacket from the chair. 'As romantic as you are, I am starving and your man needs his burger.'

The two of them exited the apartment building only to be met with a Limousine waiting out front. It was true Castiel had said no gifts, nothing fancy but in his experience when a person said that they meant the opposite. And if Castiel was choosing the location of their dinner Balthazar should be free to provide amble transportation. He puffed his chest up proudly as he felt Castiel freeze beside him when they caught sight of the car.

'Balth-'

'Please Castiel. The end location has not changed, just the manner of our transport. Let me do this.' He gestured Castiel forward as the driver opened the side door for them to enter.

Once inside Castiel felt out of his element. It was true that the thing that had initially drawn him to Balthazar had been the wealth, the parties, and the exciting life; but now that their worlds were meshing together Castiel was beginning to feel like a fish out of water. Just one night. Let him have this and then we can talk about it another time.

'Where to Sirs?' The driver asked through the window.

'9960 Joliet Road, Countryside' Castiel spoke.

The drive was pleasant, but short. They arrived less than 15 minutes later. Balthazar exited the car and offered his hand to Castiel for assistance. He held his hand as he stared at the sign.

Texas Roadhouse.

'Seems a bit odd to be called Texas Roadhouse in Chicago, doesn't it?'

Castiel smiled at the comment, bright headlights drive past as the two made their way inside. A limo at a run down Texas Roadhouse in the middle of Chicago, on Valentine's Day in a snow storm.

Fucking Valentine's Day.


End file.
